I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
