I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
