The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
