the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
