Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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