I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
