my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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