Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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