How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Be still, my beating vagina.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
