Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
