I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
