i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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