I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize