dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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