last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
