i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize
