So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
