I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The air taste purple.
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