This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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