I swear she didn't look like that last week.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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