I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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