I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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