I feel like abortions should bother me more
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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