wakey wakey hands off snakey
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
