i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
