I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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