I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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