Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
