Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
im six kinds of drunk right now
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
