How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
