I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
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You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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