Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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