my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
