i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
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The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
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I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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