That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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