i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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