he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
