my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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