You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
