My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
