you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
