I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
