Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You have to summon your inner elephant
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
