I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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