please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
