Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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