Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
