So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
