just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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