Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
