a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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