I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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