I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I think my vagina is haunted
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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